apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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