I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
