He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
