So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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