Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
