the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I am one with the molecules
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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