Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
