So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
