I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
