I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
