i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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