i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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