The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
