I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
