Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
