I swear she didn't look like that last week.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
