There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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