There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am available for nakedness
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
