why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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