I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I want you more than these girls want KFC
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
