did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
