I am midnight drunk by noon
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
