Jerry, you need to find god
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
