I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
