Hey man sorry I got all grabby
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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