I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Help. Why am I so naked?
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