I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
