i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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