I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
