New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
