Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
