I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
