Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
