I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
