Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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