Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
