...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
