So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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