Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
