So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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