How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
