Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
