How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
