You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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