my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
