I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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