We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
