you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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