I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
