remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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