this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
