here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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