Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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