North Korea, Best Korea!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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