i wish my penis had a tongue
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
